So, you find yourself staring at your phone, debating whether to send that “Hey, how have you been?” message again. Maybe it’s late at night, you’re feeling lonely. Or you just saw something that reminded you of them. You’re in a new relationship (or they are), but somehow, the urge to reach out won’t quit.
This blog unpacks the psychology behind why you’re still staying in touch with your ex, even when you probably shouldn’t, and how to stop the cycle of this unhealthy relationship dynamic.
1. You’re Stuck in an Attachment Loop
Attachment theory suggests that our childhood experiences shape how we connect with romantic partners. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may struggle to let go, using continued contact as emotional reassurance. When they reply, it feels like there is hope of rekindling, especially if you’ve been on again/off again for a long time. You’re not reaching out because it’s good for them or good for you—you’re doing it because it temporarily eases your anxiety. Unfortunately, it truly is only temporary relief, because an ex who doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore, cannot meet your attachment needs. It’s a bandaid that lasts a little while, until the anxiety starts to creep in again, and the loop restarts.
On the flip side, if you’re avoidantly attached, you might check in occasionally to keep the connection going, but it holds them at arm’s length without committing to anything emotionally deep. This can feel safer if you have a pattern of not being comfortable when you get too close to people.
Either way, neither pattern leads to genuine closure.
2. Your Brain is Addicted to the Highs and Lows
Ever heard of intermittent reinforcement? It’s a concept from B.F. Skinner’s research (1953) that explains why people keep chasing unpredictable rewards—like refreshing Instagram to see if they’ve watched your story. When your ex occasionally replies (but not always, or not always in the enthusiastic way you’d have liked), it creates a dopamine-driven reward system, keeping you hooked. It’s like a poker machine - sometimes it feels like you win, and those wins are enough to keep you going back.
Even if the relationship was messy, your brain remembers those fleeting good moments. And that one “Hope you’re doing well” text? It’s just enough to make you spiral again.
3. It’s an Ego Thing
For some, staying in contact with an ex isn’t about love—it’s about validation. Research on narcissistic traits (Campbell & Foster, 2007) shows that some individuals use ex-partners to boost their ego. Or maybe they don’t have narcissistic tendencies, but they feel bad about themselves/their life/their relationship and texting an ex gives them the temporary validation of feeling good enough. But even if it isn’t malicious, it isn’t love or care, because it’s for their benefit, not yours. If your ex only pops up when their self-esteem is low (or when they see you moving on), they’re likely seeking reassurance, not reconnection.
A good question to ask yourself is, are you reaching out because you genuinely care, or because you want to see if they still care about you?
4. You’re Being Emotionally Guilt-Trapped
Ever received a text like “I don’t want to lose you completely” or “I just need closure”? Guilt, nostalgia, and obligation keep the cycle going. As difficult as it sounds, closure needs to come from you, not a perfectly scripted final conversation with them. The closure is that they don’t want to be with you. They may have been able to articulate why that is, they may have not given any reason at all. But the reason isn’t important, it’s the outcome that matters. And ultimately, you deserve someone who chooses you.
5. You’re Afraid to Fully Let Go
The sunk cost fallacy (Arkes & Blumer, 1985) explains why we struggle to walk away from things we’ve invested time in—even when they no longer serve us. If you spent years with your ex, cutting them off might feel like throwing all that history away.
And let’s be real—loneliness is incredibly painful. Research on fear of loneliness (Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2014) suggests that people often keep exes around as emotional backups. But unfortunately, delaying the inevitable just prolongs the pain.
6. How Schema Therapy Can Help You Break the Cycle
Schema Therapy can help you figure out why you’re stuck in these patterns. It focuses on early maladaptive schemas—deep-rooted beliefs that shape your relationships.
For those with an abandonment schema, you might keep texting your ex because you fear you’ll never find someone else.
For those with a subjugation schema, you might stay in contact out of guilt, believing you owe them something.
For those with a defectiveness schema, you may worry that you aren’t good enough to find another relationship or don’t deserve more than the breadcrumb text messages with your ex.
Perhaps you feel emotionally deprived or neglected, and feel that this person was the only person who really understood you/cared about you/provided that emotional support.
Working with a clinical psychologist trained in Schema Therapy can help you understand your schemas and change these beliefs about yourself, set appropriate boundaries and respect others’ boundaries, and develop the skills to seek secure, stable relationships that make you feel content and happy.
Time for Some Tough Love: Should You Stop Reaching Out?
If you’re stuck in an ex-loop, ask yourself:
Are you looking for genuine friendship, or just emotional validation?
Are you looking for genuine friendship, or are you wanting something more?
Is this affecting your current relationship? (If you have to hide it, that’s your answer.)
Could this negatively impact their current relationship? (If their current partner saw these messages, would they get the impression that it’s crossing a line?)
Is messaging going to make you feel empowered or just anxious and confused?
If you answered yes to these questions, it’s probably time to mute, block, or take a step back.
Final Thoughts
If you’re still scrolling through old texts, rewatching their Instagram stories, drafting messages in your notes app, or still sending “just checking in” messages to your ex—it’s time to ask yourself what you really want. Because chances are, it’s not another round of emotional limbo.
Obviously there are caveats and nuances to all situations. If there are kids involved, for example, that is a whole different kettle of fish. And we know it is possible to have platonic relationships with ex-partners. But if you know deep down what you want is not platonic, then speaking to a clinical psychologist may be helpful for understanding why and getting help to move on.
Looking for a psychologist to help you navigate post-breakup struggles? Our Sydney-based clinic offers expert guidance to help you build healthy relationship patterns and emotional resilience. Book a session today with one of our clinical psychologists.
